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Entering Marriage with Eyes Wide Open | Edward Peters
If I heard it once as a tribunal judge, I heard it a thousand times in
marriage nullity cases: "How could I have been so blind?" All
right, maybe a thousand times is an exaggeration, but Im sure I
(and other tribunal judges) heard it plenty of times, this heart-breaking
question, not rhetorical, but real, usually posed by what canon law used
to call "the innocent spouse" in an annulment case, but what
might today be more accurately called the shell-shocked survivor of a
destructive attempt at marriage. Its the question that one spouse
needs, in many annulment cases, painfully to ask himself (or herself)
after three years, eight years, or a dozen in a marriage finally wrecked
by alcoholism or drug abuse, chronic infidelities, physical violence,
the squandering of finances, or often enough, a combination of these factors:
How could he (or she) have been so blind?
Without wanting to give the impression that the dismal factors just outlined
always lead to a declaration of nullity (because they dont), and
without minimizing the fact that in most divorces and eventual annulments
both parties had a role to play in the failure or nullity of the marriage
(because they do), there are a considerable number of wrecked marriages
wherein the signs of these grave disorders were present prior to
and at the time of the wedding, but were missed or grossly minimized
by the spouse who, some years later was left asking: "How could I
have been so blind?"
I think there is a good answer to this question, but to appreciate it
requires one to step back from the immediacy of the crisis in marriage
today, and look at problem from a wider perspective. Two points need to
be borne in mind.
First, it helps to recall the image of the Church as our holy Mother,
one whose love for us knows no bounds. Any mother worthy of the name wants
her children to avoid harm and live happy lives. Thus, a caring mother
gives direction and advice, she guides her childrens feet onto the
good path, and warns them against the bad. But for the most part, a mother
tends to spare her children the gory details of why bad things
are bad, and even details as to just how bad they really are, lest
her children be unnecessarily frightened, scandalized, or drawn by a prurient
interest toward such behavior. I think there is some of this maternal
attitude at work in the Churchs warnings against, say, drug and
alcohol abuse. The teaching that such things are wrong is clearly given.
At times, additional elaboration on the dangers of such activities are
given, but like a good mother, the Church does not usually present the
depth of the depravity that chemical addiction entails.
To be sure, the Church is, as Pope Paul VI put it, "an expert in
humanity," and no human secrets, however horrid, are hidden from
her and her ministers who need to know. Moreover, as Christ said in the
parable about the rich man who begged to have a message sent from hell
to his wayward brothers lest they fall into the Pit as did he, the Church
can rightly say to those who suggest that she show more graphically the
degree of suffering involved in some marriage-destroying activities, "The
law and the prophets should be enough for us, and even if someone were
to rise from the dead to tell, some people would still not believe."
For all that, though, there are people preparing for marriage who view
the Churchs admonitions against some types of behavior in themselves
or their future spouses as mere formalism, rules imposed without any real
connection to reality.
The second problem is similar to the first, and it
usually is found, albeit ironically, among young people blessed to have
been raised in more or less stable families. I speak of a certain naiveté.
When children are raised in homes where dad goes to work day in and day
out, where mom sees to the basic needs of her children, where meals are
predictable, holidays celebrated normally, issues frankly discussed, good
times enjoyed with friends and bad times embraced prayerfully as the will
of God, they tend to think that most everybody does these things too.
What they, as children, cannot see is the myriad ways in which
solid parental love, living faith, freedom from chemical and emotional
manipulation, and the leavening strength of domestic stability prevents
untold numbers of problems from ever arising in the first place, and enables
the family to address, usually successfully, those problems that inevitably
must visit, even if barely, every home. In other words, they simply cannot
imagine (and God be praised that they need not!) how bad things could
really get under other circumstances than the ones they are used to.
But, marriage to an active, abusive alcoholic teaches brutal lessons.
Marriage to the victim of unresolved, long-term sexual or emotional abuse
teaches brutal lessons. Marriage to a sexual or financial profligate teaches
brutal lessons. Is there a way, though, to learn from those lessons, short
of entering such a marriage? There is, I think, but it requires two acts
on the part of one considering marriage.
First, one needs humility. One has to be willing to admit that
are some things about people in this world that one just doesnt
know. No one wants to be considered naïve (though exactly why
one doesnt, Im not sure), but after a decade in annulment
work, I can tell young people, its better to admit some possible
naiveté now than to enter a minefield marriage and have your cluelessness
proven to all the world. Instead of being embarrassed by your naiveté,
thank God for it. Thank God that you dont know how bad this condition
or that vice can be, in the same way that many people can thank God that
they dont know what deep hunger means, or how homelessness feels,
or what victimization by crime is like.
Second, one needs trust. One has to be willing to take the Church
at its word that certain things are destructive of happiness before marriage
and after. One has to trust concerned parents, siblings, pastors, or friends
when they express reservations or opposition to plans to marry so-and-so.
Dont assume that such reservations or opposition are based on dislike
of your choice for marriage (even if such dislike is present). Rather,
consider the possibility that the stance is based on love and concern
One final but very important point to consider. While many, many people
suffer from things that can directly and severely impact their own ability
to marry and their potential spouses chances at happiness in marriage,
few of them labor under such circumstances that cannot, with patience,
prayer, and counseling, eventually be overcome or repaired. In other words,
ones frank recognition that, at present such-and-such a marriage
is ill-advised, does not necessarily mean that the wedding can never take
place. What it more likely means is that if the wedding takes place now,
without the benefit of counseling or, if needed, personal reform, it will
likely entail much unnecessary suffering for both parties and eventually
children, and is even more likely finally to fail than are, sadly, most
marriages today. I would hold that there is no such thing as a bad reason
to call off a wedding. Surely we can suggest that there is no such thing
as bad reason to put one off. A few months (such a short time!) may be
all it takes to address effectively a situation that might otherwise result
in a lifetime of unhappiness.
Sometimes, when a party in an annulment case asks: "How could I have
been so blind?", the plain truth is that the person had deliberately
blinded himself or herself to the pre-wedding warning signs of impending
disaster. But in many cases, no self-deception was at work. The person
instead simply did not understand, and not understanding, too hastily
shrugged off, the warning signs that the Church, parents, families or
friends said, or perhaps hinted, were there. But marriage, more than any
other decision the great majority of adult Catholics will make in life,
is simply too important to enter with anything less than eyes wide open.
[The article originally appeared in the January/February 2002 issue of
The Catholic Faith magazine.]
Related IgnatiusInsight.com articles:
Who Is Married?
| Edward Peters
the Family in Casti Connubii and Humanae Vitae | Reverend
Michael Hull, S.T.D.
Male and Female
He Created Them | Cardinal Estevez
and Necessity of Spiritual Fatherhood | Deacon Harold Burke-Sivers,
Chastity in an Unchaste Age | Bishop Joseph F. Martino
Edward Peters has doctoral degrees in canon and civil law.
He has authored or edited several books and is the translator of the English
edition of The
1917 Pio Benedictine Code of Canon Law.
His canon law website can be found at www.canonlaw.info.
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